If you put kale in your smoothie…
Make sure you’re very careful.
Because just as you’re enjoying the last bits of it’s green deliciousness
the phone may ring.
And if the phone rings, you must answer it.
Because it could be the school nurse
or one of your kids
telling you she fell in gym
and scraped her elbow
and her knee
and in the process she ripped her pants as well.
You need to deliver a new pair pronto.
So, still gulping your kale-rich smoothie
you race into the jungle that is Thing 1’s room
and set off in search of pants.
If you’re bringing pants to school
don’t waste any time.
Because if you’re not back on the corner in time for the Kindergarten bus
in exactly 7 minutes
Lord only knows where it will take Thing 2.
For sure she’ll cry.
You’d better pile your dogs in the car along with the pants.
Because if you leave them alone in the house
they’ll pee (or worse) on the carpet for spite.
As you rush into the school office with pants in hand
you’ll run into the secretary
and the Principal
and a gaggle of PTO moms.
You’ll give them your widest, brightest smile
Because you’re compensating for the fact
that you’ve spent the better part of the morning at a spinning class.
A shower, makeup, deoderant, etc. have not been part of your day.
When your smile is met with polite yet nervous faces
you’ll think to yourself “What royal bitches”
Until you see Thing 1, sitting on the nurse’s cot.
You’ll smile and she’ll say
“Mom, you’ve got tons of green crap in your teeth.”
Consider yourself warned.
